Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
