Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Moan for me like Helen Keller
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
