We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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