So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
