I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
