we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I understand Curling. That high.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
