One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
