Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
