cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
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This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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