Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
