I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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