Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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