She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
