Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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