I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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