my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
