I wanna bring you to show and tell
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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