Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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