It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
