She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
