I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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