I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
