Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
