I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
