We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
