Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
