I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
