I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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