Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the liver wants what the liver wants
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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