forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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