god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
