Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
