my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have post one night stand depression
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
