If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm