Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
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STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!