A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
