then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
