I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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