Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
