This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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