First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
