i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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