I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
