Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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