i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize