the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
barbara walters just said penis...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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