I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
