her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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