I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
