Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
