I got chris browned last night
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
