my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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