the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
A+ Viking dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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