totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
