I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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