Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
