Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize