I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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